I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize