God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
