Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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