they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
