those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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