Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
