You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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