Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
