i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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