Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
