Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
