When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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