I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
