Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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