my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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