And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
