i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
