My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
