Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
