I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
