First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
