Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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