I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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