I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
