my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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