I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
