I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize