i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
