I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
