WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
