I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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