I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize