Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
