No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
its liver damage thursday
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
