the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
