Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
