I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
