When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
