Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
