i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
