our cab driver is having phone sex.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So much Jack, so little girl.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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