Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
