you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
