I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
