Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
