he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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