be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
