Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
