I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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