I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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