He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
