i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
