Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Operation Purity has been aborted
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize