My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dignity is for republicans.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
