My cat gives me a boner
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
