Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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