I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
