Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
